Interlude: Allergies, A New Friend, and Fundraising

I am working on entries from Lumbini and this last week in Kathmandu…it is proving to be difficult work for various reasons, among them are that the two entries could hardly be more different from each other, my allergies are getting the better of me, and I have had a fear of shifting the tone of my writing to the degree as would match the succession of mind states experienced during the days on either side of New Year’s (I think that this last reason is simultaneously the weakest and strongest of the many…but having realized recently that it is the result of nothing more than attachment, I am getting over it).  I have felt divorced from my spiritual journey as of late, which is probably just another way of saying that I have hit an obstacle on the path…usually a meaningful event, but it is once again proving difficult to appreciate the beauty of the storm while riding in it.  I am glad to be back in the bosom of the gentle terraced hillscape of the farms of the Dolokha region and am recovering from the thick, grey, polluted atmosphere of Nepal’s capital city (within two hours of my arrival in Kathmandu I was blowing black out of my nose and within two days I was hacking the hack of a recently-off-the-wagon smoker). 

While I am glad to be back, I have clearly been dealing with some allergies since my return, which have had a significant impact (different from but equivalent to, in terms of severity, the effects of being suffocated by the smog in Kathmandu) on my general demeanor.  It took me a while to put all the little signs (the dry throat, the almost constant desire to be eating something even if I’m not hungry, headache, zero to irritable in about two seconds, an aversion to my sitting practice, subtle ever-present anxiety, lack of motivation due to lack of focus, tired eyes by noon…and on and on) together since they haven’t been as overpowering as California in springtime, but now I see what’s up and it makes a little more sense…but it still doesn’t go away.  (Haha, I remember when I was younger seeing all the commercials for allergy meds, and when my friends would complain and I’d think to myself, “It’s a runny nose…its not that big a deal, get over it.”  I don’t know if it’s karmic fruition or what, but I guess I was asking for it.)  All that plus the stomach trouble I have been dealing with since Sarnath has made for an obnoxious state of affairs at times.  When I sit with allergies, which is arguably when I most need to do it, its like being Toph, the earth bender, in the sands of the desert (if that’s a reference you don’t get don’t worry about it).  All around me is a disorienting and opaque body sensation that I have to dig beneath in order to do what I feel is “real work.”  Stringing more than two or three breaths together has been a major feat lately.  It is fascinating in that I can see the subtle confusion in body, which conditions the lack of focus in the mind, which in turn conditions the endless “rolling in thoughts,” emotional instability and general negativity, which then condition actions of body and speech in the world, but then there is a great deal of frustration that quickly follows due to seeing the pattern of events yet feeling powerless to actually do much about it.  I don’t remember the name of the Greek heroine doomed for all eternity to know the future but never be believed and so she must watch helplessly as it all unfolds before her (pretty sure there is even a complex named after her)…that’s a little bit of what I feel like when I try to develop Metta, patience, compassion, samadhi, whatever it is in that moment, and then, seemingly out of my control, a scowl spreads across my face and indifferent or intolerant words come out of my mouth--my efforts vanishing in an instant, my body (and in some ways my mind) wont do what my awareness tells it to...which I suppose just means I have to strengthen awareness. I have had flashbacks to a thousand times in my life when I have silently cried out for someone to know “what I really mean” beneath the surface but couldn’t get it out in time to beat out the conditioned response, my standard verbal or physical reaction of pride or anger or arrogance…whether it was because of adolescent hormone spikes or a sugar high or adhd or drugs or deeply grooved neuron channels or something more subtle…I feel like I have been locked inside myself for a good portion of my life…like a desperately wailing infant, whose desires are a mystery to the outside world…and the vicious cycle continues when I avoid sitting, one of the only activities that helps, due to its difficulty.  I have infinitely more trouble driving a wedge of equanimity between internal and external events when I am afflicted by allergies.  At times, I have also noticed an increase in selfishness and impulsiveness due to the aforementioned feeling of being locked in my body and thoughts, and a decrease in discipline and restraint due to fuzzy concentration and what I believe is actually a mild shift in sensory perception…but that aspect is too subtle for me to try and fit into a few short explanatory sentences.  One will probably be able to get the gist of what I’m talking about from some of the segments in the Kathmandu entry, though I am not sure what form they will take. 

Anyways, I chose to bypass those two entries for the time being because today I met with an Australian high school teacher/counselor named Jack, who has been assisting (financially and in other ways) the Dolokha region, specifically Mirge, and specifically in terms of education, since the 90’s.  While we were talking, I couldn’t get over the feeling that I was meeting someone that would change the course of my life more noticeably than the average passerby.  (It could be that because of that feeling I will make more of an effort and therefore will assist my little prophecy to its fruition.  It could be that I picked up on something beyond my particular brand of planning and the feeling a little gift for being mindful.  It could be that we met and that is the end of it.  We shall see.)  He told me about the work he has been doing here over the past 14 years and asked about my time here so far. We talked about what kind of organizations and resources there are in Nepal and internationally to help areas like this one develop.  We talked about what changes we thought were needed in terms of teacher training and distribution of resources. We discussed some of the more pronounced cultural differences (which have driven us to beat our respective heads against the wall at one time or another).  I am trying to put him in touch with Dot in England so that the two of them, who have independently done such important work here, can combine their efforts.  I hope that in the future we can coordinate something between Australian, English and American parties and really make a lasting contribution.  Despite some of the hardships I have been going through within my own mind since coming here (and despite the allergies haha) I have spent time considering when (less than if) I’d like to come back here and whether or not I should invest time and money in a TESL (or whatever that acronym is) or CELTA (which is I guess the Cambridge equivalent) certification…its something else to consider anyways.  I think that if I come back here, I should like it to be with someone else…someone who speaks English fluently.  I have gained greater appreciation for the companionship of a person who understands (at least in terms of form if not content) what it is I am saying to them.  I have also gained a greater appreciation for real hugs, of which I have received three in the past 14 weeks or so.  There is more on that but I have something else I’d like to touch on before dinner so I will move on. 

The other reason I wanted to get this entry out rather than the other two is that Surendra, Mahesh’s younger brother, my host for half of my trip to Kathmandu, and the person I have probably spent the most time with out here, has been studying public health and preventative medicine at an apparently second rate college in Kathmandu and would like to move onto better things.  He is currently in the top of his class and is desirous of spending the next four years in a foreign country (probably China due to cost) studying medicine so that he can come back to Mirge and act as the village physician and pharmacist (as there is no doctor or pharmacy here now).  I know very little about independent fundraising, less about International NGO’s, and even less about their protocol when it comes to the sponsorship of higher education.  If anyone has information on these topics, Surendra and I would greatly appreciate a heads up.  If anyone is interested in teaming up with Dot and Chris O’Brien and co., who have been helping with Surendra’s tuition and education thus far, to contribute something in terms of finances or information or resources or whatever, also let me know that.  I think it will be easier for me to make something happen for him when I am back there in person, but I thought it would be nice to get the information out there so that anyone who might be reading this who knows about these things could check it out or do a little schmoozing on the part of Mirge, the Laligurash School and/or Surendra. 

Thank you for any help you can offer.  I hope everyone had a joyful New Year’s.  Metta from the East.